I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
its not stalking. its research.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
