Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
