I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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