five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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