i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
