Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
