Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
