You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
