everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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