I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
