look no pants
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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