God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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