Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
