Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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