ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
