I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
