When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
