Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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