it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
