TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
