I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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