Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
