I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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