I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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