I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
