I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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