why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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