I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
