dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
