At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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