I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
