Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
