I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize