I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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