i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
