Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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