Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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