false alarm. still invincible.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
