am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
