Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
