I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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