he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
