I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
