It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
