i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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