are you so shy because you have an std?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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