Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
