No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
