Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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