Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
