between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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