you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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