I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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