I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is Oprah even human
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
