I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
