So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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