people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
