just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
