I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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