she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What changed your mind?
Being sober
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
