I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
